Existing in a society requires communication—it’s how we get anything and everything done. Why is it, then, that some people are better than others at this essential task? The reasons are myriad, but in his book, Duhigg brings some fundamental components to light.
The first task is figure out what kind of conversation we are having, and Duhigg illuminates three different categories of discussion: “What’s this really about?,” “How do we feel?,” and “Who are we?” To put them simply, are we having a rational conversation, an emotional conversation, or a conversation about identity? Miscommunication often occurs when we are having different conversations, like when a friend reports a bad day and we offer practical solutions when all she really wanted was to vent. “If you are speaking emotionally, while I’m talking practically, we are, in essence, using different cognitive languages.” So, sometimes figuring out what kind of conversation we want to have at the outset can put both parties on the same page and avoid what could have been a frustrating experience. As a general rule, if we are having a “What’s this about?” conversation, we want to lean into data and reasoning, if we are having a “How do we feel?” conversation, we want to lean into stories and compassion, and if we are having a “Who are we?” conversation, we want to be mindful of the different identity groups those we are talking with might belong to.
Communication is much more than just the words we say aloud, it’s also our vocal tonality and our body language. Are we whispering or shouting, speaking quickly or in a slow drawl? Are our arms and legs folded and tense, or are we open and relaxed? The nature of our vocal delivery and our bodies can communicate tremendous information. This is where supercommunicators—or high centrality participants as Duhigg labels them in his book—can outperform the norm. “High centrality participants were constantly adjusting how they communicated,” he writes. “They subtly reflected shifts in other people’s moods and attitudes. When someone got serious, they matched that seriousness. When a discussion went light, they were the first to play along. They changed their minds frequently and let themselves by swayed by their groupmates.” The key word here is matching. When the energy in a conversation goes up, so does theirs; when it dips, theirs does as well. They are also able to shift between rational, emotional, and identity conversationa seamlessly on the fly. They match whatever their conversation partner(s) are emitting.
Another important aspect of these high centrality participant’s conversational prowess is their curiosity. In his research, Duhigg discovered that “high centrality participants tended to ask ten to twenty times as many questions as other participants.” They were also much more likely to repeat others’ ideas and admit their own confusion, seeking a deeper level of understanding and remaining open minded. They encouraged their groupmates and laughed at others’ jokes. “They didn’t stand out as particularly talkative or clever, but when they spoke, everyone listened closely.”
We may not be supercommunicators, but matching conversational energy and asking questions (and, of course, listening to the answers) can greatly improve our ability to connect. And connection is what makes being human worth it. The final chapter of the book focuses on why communicating effectively is important, and the answer is that it fosters close relationships. Duhigg quotes a longitudinal study of happiness when he reports that “the most important variable in determining whether someone ended up happy and healthy, or miserable and sick, was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest (mentally and physically) at age 80.” The evidence is clear: Happiness is derived from our connection to others, and our ability to communicate is what makes or breaks these connections. Therefore, we should all want to be the best communicators we can be, and this book outlines the strategies.